


No one loves me

by Alcemistnv



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Gen, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-01-30
Packaged: 2018-03-09 16:26:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3256619
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Alcemistnv/pseuds/Alcemistnv
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He had told Shinra “no one loves me. You might say you do, but if I were to leave you know this town would be a lot better. And I’m not just talking about moving to a new town.  I’ll always have ties and I’ll always end up ruining people’s lives. Let’s just end this vicious cycle and be done with it.”</p><p>Essentially, my take on Izaya's behavior throughout the novel, especially after reading some Headcanons on tumblr.</p>
            </blockquote>





	No one loves me

**Author's Note:**

> There is a talk about suicide a number of times in this fic, as well as some descriptions that may make you feel negatively. 
> 
> No one actually dies however.
> 
> You should have some idea on how Izaya's story in the novel ends before reading this.
> 
> This is a take on my thoughts as to why Izaya behaves the way he does. The fight with Shizuo ad Vorona at the construction site in the novel shows that Izaya really isn't one to avoid death. I think he was more surprised about Vorona stabbing him than he was about potentially dying. i think that after an event like that, he won't be able to just jump up and recover. 
> 
> If you or someone you know if fighting suicidal thoughts, here is a list of some of the hotlines you can contact: http://mentalhealthoutreach.tumblr.com/post/109431510874/suicide-hotlines

When Izaya found himself standing at the top of the building, he was almost surprised. It was as if he had blocked out the last fifteen minutes of traversing in the cold to find the empty building. He didn’t recall taking the elevator but maybe he took the stairs?

He suppressed a shiver, even with his long coat, the cold was still seeping into every inch of his body. The sky was beautiful, but the weather was unbearable.  
 _Like him._

As soon as that thought crossed his mind, he shook his head and stared off into space. Into nothing. He was Izaya Orihara, the great informant and the master at defying whatever death tossed his way. But that was odd, wasn’t it? In a way, he wanted death to come at him. Any time he played games with _him_ he knew that they would never kill each other.

But that time at the construction site was a completely different story. Izaya was knocking on death’s door when he was taken to the hospital for all sorts of injuries. He wanted the doctors to just end it all, put a needle in his arm and let him pass. But he knew that they’d never do that. So those days of him waking up in a drugged up state were some of the worst days of his life. 

The worst part of it all was that he had dreams, dreams about a certain someone coming to find him. He couldn’t tell dreams from reality at some points, the painkillers were so strong that it all started to mingle. But when his thoughts got clearer, he was genuinely afraid that he’d wake up to find _him_ standing there. Watching him.

So why Izaya decided it’d be a good idea to return to Ikebukuro was beyond anyone’s guess. He was sure that the whole town knew that he was back, but he wanted nothing to do with his humans. He constantly felt like he was in a fog and watching people interact with one another gave him no satisfaction whatsoever. He’d lay in his apartment, ignoring the texts and calls he’d receive from the numerous phones. Oftentimes, he’d find himself clutching his chest, trying to get his heart to stop beating so hard. He thought he was having a heart attack at one point, but he knew that he was way too young for that. 

When he googled up his symptoms, one of results he got was “Panic attack.”   
That wasn’t like Izaya, he never had any sort of anxiety issues before. Why would he fall victim to them now?

He was blind to how little he actually did, and when he felt getting out from under the covers, he’d just sit on the couch, knees brought up to his head. A month went by and not a single person stopped by. Shinra would knock on the door and drop off food, but everytime the door would knock, Izaya would sit still, ignoring the sound going through the apartment. Eventually Shinra would stop coming altogether, and resorted to sending emails which Izaya would respond to only once a day. 

He lost all of his energy, he could barely think of all of the information he had stored in his mind before the hospital. One day he had gathered enough energy to leave the apartment, primarily because he needed food. He realized that if _he were to come_ and throw something at him, he’d just stand there and let it hit him. He just didn’t want to exist. He wanted to crawl up and disappear, and the fight at the construction site just hurt him more than he ever thought it would.

Months prior to the formation of the Dollars, he had told Shinra about how he would have spouts of wanting to disappear, and Shinra nearly panicked, suddenly aware that his friend could potentially hurt himself. And instead of actually hurting himself, he just let the vending machines and pink elephants do it for him. 

He had told Shinra “no one loves me. You might say you do, but if I were to leave you know this town would be a lot better. And I’m not just talking about moving to a new town. I’ll always have ties and I’ll always end up ruining people’s lives. Let’s just end this vicious cycle and be done with it.”

But it didn’t. It kept happening. _It’s Izaya’s fault. Izaya started it._ Izaya didn’t even know half these people and yet accusing fingers were pointed his way. Sure, he manipulated people and sure he harmed him more than once, but sometimes it felt like the whole town had their fingers pointing at him while their mouths hung open, laughing. 

So that’s why he didn’t find it a surprise to see that he had subconsciously walked to the top of the building. He remembered coming here with a girl once before, telling her to just jump off. He was an ass for doing that, he knew it. He contemplated grabbing her at the last minute and doing it himself, making it look like he was a hero. But in the end, he froze and she nearly died if it weren’t for Celty.

But Celty wasn’t here now. His hazy eyes looked up at the sky, and he swore he felt something on his face, but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. He leant forward, letting gravity take him, a small smile on his face. He braced for the impact, but instead felt himself land in the hands of someone. His consciousness slipped and he welcomed it, he definitely needed to sleep for a bit now. The cold was ingrained in his bones and the warmth of the arms that cradled him were exactly what he needed to calm down. He was asleep by the time his savior spoke.

“Damn Flea.”

**Author's Note:**

> Just as a note, I'm going to leave this where it is. Determine your own ending. I'd like to think that Izaya and Shizuo reconcile, and they stop their fighting, but it's up to you to determine how you want it to go.


End file.
